Bar Napkin Prophet Blog

Every time I get an idea for a book, quick-draw Dr. Laura Schlessinger beats me to it. That’s what I get for failing to copyright the titles. So…never talk business in your sleep. You’ll get robbed blind and find yourself stumbling through the ashes of your former life, wondering when you lost your way.

But I’m going to take another crack at this. Hopefully this post will be published before she releases a book with the same title.

Living The Dream

You lucky, lucky person! You’ve finally landed everyone’s fantasy: you’re actually dating a blogger. You thought it only happened in the movies, but here you are walking around on the arm of someone who writes for the entire world—on blogger, no less!

People talk about landing a date with a blogger in the hushed, reverent tones usually reserved for mythical figures like the Yeti or Edward Cullen. But let’s get real for a second—we all know that every woman would rather have a prolific blogger appear in her bed by the light of the moon than some sparkling vampire boy in skinny pants.

Now We Maintain…

Pat yourself on the back for a moment, take a deep breath, and get ready to concentrate on nurturing the relationship. Bloggers are as close to perfect as it is possible for humans to be, but they can be finicky, needy vultures at times.

That’s where you come in.

You see, it is difficult for the non-blogger to understand that their writer lives with the weight of the world—nay, the universe—squarely on his or her shoulders. The whole web hangs on you’re their every word and simultaneously prays for them to misstep so they can be hurled into the volcano of the forgotten.

And just like that, the fickle, flighty web embraces another.

You are needed

And so I submit for your guidance, five brief rules for holding on to your blogger, so that he or she may continue to delight and thrill the world through their genius and exploits.

1. Leave comments on their blogs frequently, but sign in using names like “Megan Fox,” “Bono,” “Gilbert Godfrey,” and “Taylor Hicks,” so your blogger knows that the big names are all on the edge of their seats. If they aren’t, they soon will be, so it is easy to justify the lie…it will only be a lie for a while.

1. Create your own blog called “thisblogisawesomeandsexy.com” and fill it up with links that point to your blogger’s masterpieces. Forums devoted to your blogger are good too, if you can keep up with the spam. You don’t want Cialis associated with your blogger too often or people will start making assumptions.

1. On the off chance that you are dating non-successful blogger, there is an easy fix. Best of all, the blogger need not know about the problem. All you have to do is go to Google and create several thousand accounts. Then you subscribe to your blogger’s RSS feed with them all. They’ll never know the difference and we’ll all be better for it.

1. Give your blogger frequent massages. Learn advanced reflexology so you can really release the pressure points. I’d recommend certifying through at least three massage therapy schools so that you really know your blogger is being taken care of.

1. I heard of something called Twitter that you might be able to use, but I’m not positive. Don’t hold me to it. Actually, just no—it sounds stupid. Stay away from it and don’t tweet anything for anyone.

If you do these five simple things, your blogger will be able to do his or her duty in a relatively angst-free way. The tortures of being brilliant will always be hard to bear, but the crown can feel lighter from time to time if the blogger’s supporters are shrill and attentive and responsive.

Good luck to you. If you see Dr. Laura running through the streets with a manuscript in her hand that looks similar to this post, please trip her and give me a head start.

About the Author: Josh Hanagarne writes World’s Strongest Librarian, a blog with advice about coping with Tourette’s Syndrome, kettlebells, book recommendations, buying pants when you’re 6’8”, old-time strongman training, and much more. Please subscribe to Josh’s RSS Updates and Stronger, Smarter, Better Newsletter to stay in touch

This entry was posted on Wednesday, September 16th, 2009 at 9:39 am and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.